Red Flags Are Not Real. Here’s How to Keep Your Relationship

What even are red flags?

Red flags are signals that help you avoid “bad partners”. When someone has a lot of red flags you avoid starting a relationship with them. If you notice red flags after you’re already together, you break up.

This whole idea is wrong.

The main problem with these so called “red flags” is that they are arbitrary. What you consider to be a red flag might be considered a green flag by someone else. With time you might even change your own oppinion on a given “red flag”. It’s ok to have preferences in potential partners. However, it is not ok to weaponize those preferences and make someone else insecure.

Another problem is that your behaviour contributes or enables these red flags. Are they keeping their emotions from you, or are you bad at validating? Are they lazy, or are you reinforcing their behaviour?

Relationships are supposed to be 50/50, but if you want yours to be successful both partners should strive to give 60%.

How You Are Sabotaging Your Relationships#

Getting into Relationships to Satisfy a Personal Need#

If the only reason you get into a relationship is to fix something within yourself, there are high chances of failure for that relationship. You might not be doing this consciously. That’s why it’s important to be honest with yourself and look back on your past behaviour.

Examples of personal problems you might expect a relationship to solve:

You shouldn’t get into a relationship just to fixing something within yourself. Be honest with your partner from the beginning if you are facing any kind of problems. They’re your partner for a reason. They should be there to support you.

People get stuck in relationships because they’re afraid to face the music. They’re not trying to build something with their partner, they just want their needs met.

Your relationship shouldn’t be the primary source in which you meet your needs. It shouldn’t be a substitute for personal growth.

Making Excuses for Your Partner#

Constantly making excuses for your partner is a “red flag” within yourself. If they did something that hurt you, then they feel bad, you shouldn’t forgive them just because they feel bad. You’re signaling to them that it’s ok for them to hurt you as long as they feel bad (or pretend to) after. They should understand that actions have consequences.

Also, when either of you are making compromises, you’re biased. In your mind, your favour to them is worth more than their favour to you. For example: cleaning the dishes. You don’t really notice or give them credit when they do it, but when you do it you hate it and feel like they’re not helping as much as they could. You’re putting more value on what you give, than on what you receive. You shouldn’t let them take you for granted, but you should also not take them for granted.

If this is a recurring behaviour, you should talk to your partner. It could be hard for you but if you don’t do it you will eventually get overwhelmed. People are capable of change, but they might not realise they need it.

Unequal Compromises#

Again, relationships are supposed to be a 50/50 job. You shouldn’t take on 90% of the responsability. It’s ok to make compromises, that’s what relationships are all about, but your partner should also be making compromises to accomodate you.

When an unequal compromise is present in a relationship the fault lies in both partners. One partner is taking advantage of the other and another is enabling the behaviour. If your partner is drinking all day and you have to do all the chores around the house, half of the blame is yours because you allow them to live like this and treat you this way.

There are however lopsided capabilities. One partner might be earning more than the other or maybe they know how to cook better. You can’t suddenly earn more or become a chef over night. So as long as both of you are aware of your capabilities and are ok with them, it is not a problem.

End#

This article was inspired by a video from HealthyGamerGG. You are encouraged to watch the whole video for yourself if you want to get a deeper understanding of the topic.