Too X for Y, and too Y for X

I was out with a couple of people the other night. Quite a big group, there were 10 of us. I’m normally not a fan of big gatherings, and this time was no different. Especially since I didn’t really know most of the people there.

It felt a bit uncomfortable, but for the most part it was ok.

At some point someone said “boys with boys, and girls with girls!”, leading to 2 groups forming.

I didn’t really want to get closer to the men’s group, primarily because I didn’t really know most of them. I don’t consider myself to be a “masculine” man. I couldn’t really care for this label. I don’t really enjoy hanging out with most men either.

Out of all the people there, I knew 2 of the girls better, so I gravitated towards the “girls” group. I was promptly shut down, and told “No! You go with the MEN!”. I tried protesting, “am I not one of the girlies too?”. Apparently I am not anymore. Not in this particular group at least. Was I ever considered to be part of the group in the past? I thought I was, now I don’t really know.

There was a total of 9 other people at the same table I was at, formed into 2 little groups. Then there was me, at the edge of the table, sitting in a stiff wooden chair.

I was too “manly” for the women, and I felt too “girly” for the men.

I pulled out my phone and I started scrolling, trying to escape those horrible feelings. Feelings that I am not smart enough to properly label yet. The time was moving so slow too. At various points of the night I started disassociating, thinking about who knows what. The people around me seemed to be enjoying themselves though.

One of the guys did come to comfort me and asked if everything was ok. I said I was fine, even though I wasn’t. How do you even tell someone that you feel alone without sounding pathetic? How do you tell that to someone and not ruin their night too?

I didn’t want to be a burden. I didn’t want to feel like one either. So when time came to change locations, I left.

It was around 1 AM, and I decided to go back home by foot. The quiet of the city calmed me down a bit. Took me almost an hour to get home though.

I do feel somewhat better now. I think I’m back to my baseline. But this experience gave me a lot to think about. I haven’t yet processed it all.